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The Blues versus the world.
I never considered having my biological children but the urge to adopt was there always since a very long. And the thought that you can have your child anytime, no need to rush and decide.
But I have spent the last couple of years thinking that maybe I am running out of time. I think every woman who is in her mid-thirties has this thought as some vegetable is about to expire its shelf life.
Some of the women I have interacted with, suggested, women become less attracted to men as well if they are close to losing the ability to bear children. I don’t have scientific data but I gather that’s what most women probably feel like.
When I moved to the USA 4 years back from India at the age of 30, I felt I was liberating myself from the burden of getting married, and having kids is no longer there.
Honestly, if you ask me, I never dream of having any of them, maybe because I have never experienced what a healthy relationship should look like or how to behave in one. My parents were never role models either.
I thought I have moved on and I have definitely moved from one place to another. But damn, there’s that same old me. How did I find myself here yet again?
The emotions I am experiencing it’s not because I am unfertile. But with the fear of not having my biological child ( just in case I change my mind to have one ).
This year in February, I booked an appointment with my gynecologist and as per the results, I will still be producing perfectly viable eggs for the next 3–4 years. Between that and the fact that I’m quite a catch, who would ever think that it just wouldn’t happen?
I realized that the emotional pile-up after hearing the news is that the window for having a child is closing a lot faster than I thought it would.
I suppose it’s possible I could still get pregnant…if I want to. Which I really kind of don’t, anymore.
It’s hard to decide though because of the guilt of not having a child when all of your friends, relatives, and colleagues are off to have children. In my life, I haven’t met a woman who deliberately decided not to have their biological child and lived happily ever after.
Now I am hitting that window of time in which last chance possibilities are turning into final endings. This feels like the end of a road.
I’ve been preparing myself for this since I heard the results. I have to pat myself on the back here because I’ve gotten so savvy about this kind of grief. I’ve learned so much about it.
I’m figuring out how it works and how the future is going to unfold.
Finally, I am here writing, staring down on Mother’s Day, which is followed by my birthday almost two months later ( in July ). This is my absolute least favorite time of year even when I’m not in a pit of grief inspired by the strange trajectory my life has taken.
I have made peace with where I am in life. And yet…it still hurts. And yet…I still wonder what if? And yet…a little part of me still longs for the fulfillment of that dream.
As Yael have said in this article, I have never experienced anything like this before. Acceptance and regret. Peace and torment. Certainty and confusion. Hope and cynicism. Patience and frustration.
And I’ll admit it —  I think it’s important. All of it. Yes, I dare to say that.
Every woman has motherhood stories — it’s just that some are a little different. But no less important.
This is how I choose to celebrate Mother’s Day. This is the only way I know-how. I tell my story, sharing my experience, knowing that there are other women out there who are traveling through the same emotions.
Be Bold
Be Courageous
Be Your Best
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